I don't know why this stuck in my head so much today, but I felt it was on of those things I needed to put to word. I guess its just one of those things you do when the world feels slightly lopsided

Went to watch The Namesake today. Its an Indian-American movie running at the Michigan Theater. Honestly, its a bit slow, and I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone unless they REALLY love Indian culture. But something about it stuck with me. Something there got reinforced.

Y'know I love asking this question a lot. In my three years at HMCC, the prevailing vision that has always encouraged me has been that of a multi ethnic society. I have seen people try to make it work for years. Black, White, Indian, Asian.. everything. Sometimes we coincide for money, sometimes we work together for political ends. Once in a while we do it because of altruism, or maybe just because we're like a diverse click. But its soo rare. In fact, its my firm belief that the only place where we can really see diversity work, the way its supposed to, is in the body of God. Because then, you see each other sans preconception. You are a child of God, equally lovingly made, and under his house of grace. True that in the real world it doesn't always stay like that. Yes, sometimes the church becomes the ugliest place of all, where duplicity and hypocrisy stain purity. But I believe it is the hope of the world, and at the end of the day we are imperfect people, trying to follow a perfect God. Its the very essence of Grace, and the meaning of the Cross. Which brings me to why the church is the hope of MY world...

You see it all comes back to identity. I don't know how many of you followed the details on the Virginia Tech incident, but something specific struck me. I know there is a tendency to watch things with a lurid fascination, but within all the media, one small detail struck me. Its when they revealed that the guy who did it, would sign his name with a question mark. His classmates called him the question mark kid. I don't mean to imply that I understand the depth of depression of this person, nor can I relate to his deranged and violent tendencies. But... I too have been depressed, and in some way, when I heard about the question mark, in some way I glimpsed something in him. Its that search for identity.

I used to write a lot. Poetry mostly, but the weird thing is as I look back at those angry, hurt and bitter words, I understand so much of our human condition. I understand that feel of being buried. That you're constantly being suffocated, dying daily (not in the Christian sense). And its a well of loneliness that I realize you can't pull yourself out of. I was there once. I hated the world. I wondered if I left the world.. maybe they'd remember me then. And my eyes became blind, and I couldn't see straight. And this is where God comes in. He waited, he timed it, and he knew it.. He knew what I need to hear.

So much of our loneliness is a product of being strangers to ourselves. I wonder, if someone asked you to write down your name, how many of use would put down question marks? What does your name mean? How do you relate to it? Especially in the context of so many of us, who juggle two names, and come to terms with conflicting cultures representing the two worlds of our lives, the name means everything. When I start working, will I be called CJ or Chirag? Does it matter? What will my kids be named and what does it represent? I've often wondered how it'll work out. I've felt that I'm so mixed up, so all over the place, that only someone whose been through the same thing, could ever understand it. Will i marry and Indian? Or someone else? White, Black, Asian, Arabic? All things are possible... but so much harder. I'll be honest, I keep going through it, and no matter how you slice it, marriage will be hard. Even if the girl is Indian, just how Indian am I? I'm neither an Indian-Indian nor an Indian-American, but some Indo-Sing-Brit Indian hybrid. And again with marriage come names. I guess I never thought about it, but it occurred to me how weird the name change tradition is. I'll confess it, as guys, we expect girls to change their last name to ours. Its not a power thing. I was thinking about it, and I realized that even now there some great pleasure in that. When someone says I'm Mrs. Jain, its about that reminder that I'm invested in someone, that I have someone to protect and care for, who rely on me.. But still, I wondered, what if it was flipped. Could I stop being a Jain? Could I change my name? And I realized I couldn't.

So again.. back to Identity. I know this kinda rambles, but I guess its one of those things you work through. If I had to honestly write myself down today, how much of me would be a question mark. Because so much of everything else comes out of that. Why am here? Why am I going through what i'm going through? Why did those things happen in the past? Why do I always feel so different? Why can't I just fit in? Why do I feel alone? Why can't I let people in? Who can understand me? Who am I? What was I meant for? ....

.. how much of this can be answered? how many of these questions may drive us mad? Will we run the same routes, the same lines of emotion, always back to that sense of being completely lost. Divided into piece over and over again, until we're scattered by wind. And that is how I feel it often happens with me. Why am I so different? Why can't I just fit in? Why do I always feel so mixed up? Who can understand me?...

And I realize that the answers all lie in God. He gave me one form, put together to stand unified. Its Gods word in his timing. Its like the verse goes.

"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:8-10

There they are.. all the answers..
The who, the why, the when.

God renews us and restores us, and today I had a chance to get some reminders of that. I see the path I once walked. Full of hopelessness, anger, loneliness and hate. Its there, that Well. and it goes as deep as we choose to sink, and the darkness only becomes blacker. And it is a testament to the depth of compassion of God.. that he took someone like me.. broken, angry and confused.. and renewed him. It is the living hope, real and alive today.. and no one can disprove that..

BTW... Sam Harris.. God loves you, knows you, and and the end of they day, we all put our faith in something, and I sincerely desire that it is not in the power of man, but in the majesty of Christ that we lay of faith...